Avoidance
Avoidance by definition is “the action or keeping away from or not doing something.” (dictionary.com) You may be inclined to avoid difficult topics or activities out of your earlier conditioning in your family of origin. Avoidance is a coping skill, but one that is more codependent than helpful. Avoidant behaviors may have protected you in the past, but if you are a person in recovery avoiding the realities of your situation is not helpful and counterproductive to the work you signed on to do.
So, what are you avoiding? Probably a lot. Are you avoiding going to weekly therapy to process hurt, pain, anxiety, or depression? Are you avoiding meeting with your sponsor to work the 12 Steps? Are you avoiding having a difficult conversation with a spouse or partner? Avoiding it won’t make it go away.
It is natural and normal for humans to want to avoid pain. We are hardwired to avoid anything that will cause emotional or physical pain. I avoided quite a bit pre-recovery including asking for help, seeking recovery guidance from professionals, and of course going into recovery to begin with.
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In recovery, I work every day to avoid avoidance. Most people will move past avoidance after they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. That can take a long time. I try to challenge people, whether clients or sponsees, to see the benefit of tackling those things you are avoiding head-on.
There is a challenge I notice people face while working on avoidance behaviors, they don’t know whether or not they are worth moving through avoidance. Now we are talking about self-esteem. If you don’t feel worthy of the gifts awaiting you, you will be less inclined to move through the difficulties. You will stay stuck; depressed and/or anxious and mad at the world.
Low self-esteem is a common problem for individuals in recovery. Of course, it is. We have gone through some of the worst things imaginable and now we are tasked with pushing through all the guilt, shame, pain, and trauma to have a life worth living. It’s a lot of work! But….
There is a solution:
- You are perfectly imperfect
- Other people are perfectly imperfect
- You are deserving of love
- You are valuable
- You can do anything you put your mind to
These are simple affirmations to get you through the things you are avoiding. I encourage you to do the opposite of whatever it is you are doing now that’s not working.
Recovery is challenging, but it’s worth it. You can get your life back on track or move forward to the next indicated step if your recovery has stalled. It’s not easy, but hardly anything worth it is.
If all else fails, you can always turn to the trust prayer for serenity:
God/Higher Power
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
