Addiction Recovery – Physical, Mental and Emotional Boundaries
Codependents have difficulty recognizing where they end and where the other person begins. They tend to become entangled in the lives of those around them, taking responsibility for their affairs and problems. Codependents are addicted, not to a substance, but to a destructive pattern of relating to other people. Typically, these dysfunctional relationship patterns can be traced back to how they were treated as children, which they continue to model as adults. This article defines what boundaries and codependency are, and explains the defense mechanisms codependents use in putting up with abusive behavior, instead of setting healthy limits on their relationships.
What are boundaries
Boundaries are the physical, mental, and emotional dividing lines that set us apart from other people. Boundaries enable us to appropriately separate our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from those of others. Healthy people take responsibility for their emotions and actions, but codependents suffering from low self-esteem and lacking awareness about their own identity are often unable to separate themselves from other people’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
The result is that they feel responsible for the emotional lives of others and for their general well-being. Not realizing that they have choices and rights and being unable to set proper limits on behaviors they find unacceptable, they often experience disrespect or abuse in their relationships. The reason for this is that they don’t value themselves enough to act in their own best interest.
Their inability to express themselves can usually be traced to being raised in addicted or dysfunctional families that were unable to treat them with care and dignity. They were ridiculed, punished, ignored, or shut down every time they expressed their needs and wants and so carried the fear of rejection or abandonment in their relationships as adults. Having adopted the submissive and victim role in life, their relationships are bound to be rife with dysfunction, abuse, and disrespect.
One thing to know about healthy boundaries is that no one is born with them. They are developed and taught to us by our parents. Unfortunately, many codependents emerge into adulthood with damaged, bruised, or non-existent boundaries. Some of them have no idea how to set boundaries, others have very rigid boundaries, and some of them can’t maintain the boundaries they set.
Whether or not they can set healthy limits in their relationships depends greatly on whether they were taught them as children and the circumstances in which they were raised. If their parents were not able to model healthy boundaries, if their rights as children were violated, or if they were forced into inappropriate roles in the family, the chances of being able to set boundaries in their relationships are very dim. If their parents failed to nurture them as children and did not set appropriate limits and discipline, then they are likely to suffer from weak boundaries. In addition, if as a child they were emotionally or physically abused, then there is a high likelihood that they will have no awareness of how to protect themselves by setting limits on behaviors that are unacceptable.
Setting boundaries
The first thing to do in setting a boundary is to establish what you want, and also what you find objectionable about a particular behavior. Some codependents may find this alone difficult. Having been raised in environments where their needs were routinely denied or rejected, the idea of finding out what their needs and wants may be foreign. Yet doing so is the key to recovery from codependency and healthy relationships.
Once they have established your needs and wants, then an assessment is required to determine what they have power over and what their limitations are. For example, you may want your addicted son to stop using drugs, but since you have no power to stop someone’s addiction, it is no use setting a boundary that insists he stops using drugs. You may as well demand that someone put a stop to their diabetes. On the other hand, you do have power over the ways you may inadvertently be contributing to his addiction, such as giving him money or shielding him from the consequences of his behavior. For any given boundary, it is important to have a healthy and realistic view of the behaviors you want to set a limit on. The boundary should be something you can reasonably implement and one that has a good chance of having the intended result.
Lacking experience and knowledge of boundary setting, codependents often mistake the process for unkind or uncaring behavior and shy from it for fear of displeasing others or provoking their anger. However, setting boundaries is a healthy practice that enables growth and happiness in relationships. It helps protect you and your rights as a worthy human being, while conveying to those in your life who you are and what your expectations are. This is the basis of an honest relationship, something that not only helps your recovery from codependency but also benefits everyone involved.
1. Blaming
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you blame that person for unrelated problems and unhappiness in your life. For example, instead of directly asking your son to not use drugs in your home, you don’t mention anything about his drug use, yet blame him for making you miserable and creating havoc in your life.
2. Judging
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you judge and take the other person’s inventory, omitting your part in it. For example, instead of calmly letting your husband know that you expect him to share in the responsibilities of the household, you accuse him of weakness and incompetence. Meanwhile, you fail to recognize that you have contributed to the situation by jumping in to take care of the very tasks that he is responsible for.
3. Rationalization
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you rationalize disrespectful behavior, believing that somehow you deserve to be treated less than. For example, instead of asking your boss to treat you with respect in the workplace, you tell yourself this is how all bosses’ behave and or you deserve it, as your performance has not been ideal.
4. Anger
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you say nothing, put on a friendly face, yet seethe inside with anger. If you do summon the courage and verbalize the unacceptable behavior, you torture yourself with guilt and shame for mentioning it. You fear you have done something you shouldn’t have, something that will upset someone. Then you feel guilty and anxious, imagining you have done something wrong.
5. Denial
Most of the time codependents are not even aware they have a right to say no to an objectionable behavior. They allow others to walk all over them. Though deep inside they know something is wrong, they are in denial that their rights have been violated. What they learned in childhood is that they should never expect anything but disrespectful treatment, that such poor treatment is the norm.
6. Repression
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you pretend the abuse is acceptable and repress your true feelings. For example, instead of feeling the pain and anger of being abused by your husband, instead of taking action to stop it, you repress your feelings about it and pretend there is nothing wrong- that this behavior is normal for a man. Studies have shown that most women stay in violent relationships because as codependents suffering low self-esteem, they lack the resources to take action to protect themselves.
7. Reaction formation
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you ally with another person and bad mouth and complain about their maltreatment of you. For example, instead of setting a boundary on your brother’s disrespectful behavior, you pick up the phone to your mother and complain whilst staying friendly to your brother.
8. Displacement
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable and setting a boundary with the person who has offended you, you set hard limits with blameless people. For example, instead of setting a boundary on your wife’s unacceptable behavior, you target your children and punish them. Such misdirected boundary setting is called targeting substitute instead of the original source. We do this when setting a boundary with the original source is too frightening.
9. Regression
Instead of simply stating what behavior you find unacceptable, you go into a childlike state in which you either act as a victim or throw tantrums. For example, instead of demanding that your husband not verbally abuse you, we cry and ask, “What have I done to deserve this?” Or “Have I not been a good and loving wife to be treated like this.”
-Information adapted from Hamrah.co with permission
Codependency
Research shows that abuse, humiliation, and shame cause a great deal of damage to a person, often leading him or her to fall victim to codependency. Also, inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one family and another, can damage their ability to create healthy boundaries in their relationships.
Codependents often assume the role of caretakers. They begin to believe that other people’s thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility. They have an unclear sense of who they are and may experience difficulty discerning the difference between their feelings and someone else’s feelings, problems, and responsibilities. They engage in caretaking and take responsibility for others because they are unable to recognize where they end and another person begins. This is called a lack of internal boundaries, which results in us experiencing what other people are feeling. In other words, if a significant person in their life is worried or depressed, they feel their feelings and become worried or depressed too.
Lack of internal boundaries is rife in families living with addiction. At times it is the family members who are more worried and scarred rather than the addict who should be concerned for the consequences of his or her addiction. This is because codependents cannot separate themselves emotionally or in other words, do not know how to set an internal boundary so as not to get enmeshed in their loved ones’ lives. When an addicted family member gets arrested for stealing, they feel shame and behave as if it is their problem. They try all sorts of caretaking ways to “help” them out of their pain and problems because they think the problem belongs to them.
When a codependent engages in caretaking behavior, unconsciously it is themselves they are trying to help. This is because they lack internal boundaries and are unable to see their lives as separate from one another. Caretaking behavior for a codependent is their unconscious way of denying their feelings and emotions. When they put all their focus and energy on rescuing others from their problems, they can escape from and deny their own pain and problems.
Unfortunately, what tends to happen after years of caretaking behavior is their own problems pile up and their lives become unmanageable. Even though they may believe they are good and caring people, often the motive for their caretaking behaviors is to avoid the realities of their own lives. In addition, they tend to help others out of their problems with the underlying motive for it to be reciprocated. When the help we want is not given back to us in equal measure, we become indignant and resentful. There comes a time when we realize all our martyrdom has gone unnoticed or unappreciated and we find ourselves furious for not taking care of our own needs and desires in life. That’s the time most of us start our journey into recovery from codependency. It is when we desire to have healthy boundaries in our relationships and are willing to go to any length to achieve it.
We all are involved in relationships with other people, and codependent people may sometimes act in ways we deem objectionable to our integrity and sense of ourselves. Healthy people react appropriately, feeling hurt or angry or sad or disappointed, depending on the situation. They then let the other person know what they are thinking and how they are feeling and they are specific and direct in setting a limit on the objectionable behavior.
Codependents, on the other hand, do not know much about boundaries nor know how to set them. Being raised in addicted or dysfunctional families, they are most familiar with chaotic environments where there are no rules or limits on unacceptable behaviors. As a result, they are not aware they have the right to speak their minds and convey directly what behavior they find acceptable.
When we set boundaries, we are communicating with another person, without using blame or any emotional defense mechanisms. We are telling them who we are and what we need. We are learning to love and protect ourselves, and to let others know that we have worth. Some boundaries are rigid – and they need to be. For example, it is not OK for someone to verbally, physically, or mentally abuse you. These are rigid boundaries that must be maintained and enforced to help you protect yourself. On the other hand, some boundaries can be negotiated. The point is to agree upon limits or variations on behaviors that are suitable for both parties. For example, you may want to set a boundary and wish your son to be home no later than 9 p.m., whereas he prefers 11 p.m. You may want to negotiate on this point to reach an agreement that works for both of you. In cases where a boundary is negotiable, what is required is love, respect, compromise, and a situation in which both parties feel heard and respected.